These emojis are far from emportant.
It’s been 35 years since computer scientist Scott Falhman sent the first documented smiley face on the internet this week, but that precursor to the emoji portended plenty of unnecessary shapes to fill our smartphones.
Here’s a look at the most idiotic ideograms ever invented.
Not to be confused with its neighbor the Goblin – problematic in its own right – the Ogre is a confusing assemblage that doesn’t convey much. Are you calling someone the devil or is the focus here supposed to be the Ogre’s smile?
Complicating things further is that this demon-like mask is rooted in a Japanese tradition where guys go from home to home carrying fake knives looking for “crybabies.”
That’s an odd way to cap off a message telling someone “Okay, see you soon!”
The Speaking Head
Given a second life thanks to its association with the always appreciated act of “mansplaining,” the Speaking Head emoji is useless in any other context because would it be clearer to say in a hurry “Sorry can’t talk right now” or send “Sry no [Speaking Head] right now”?
There’s already a perfectly good Eyes emoji and frankly the single eye by itself is creepy. No offense to pirates or cyclopes, but Eyes just looks way more fun.
Granted, 12 train emojis exist so it might seem unfair to pick on the Minibus, but how prominent are these things that there needs to be a tiny picture of them on everyone’s phone?
The fact that people with red hair or afros still can’t find representation yet a bus that can’t hold a decent number of passengers gets to sit right next to the Ambulance seems unfair.
Camera with Flash
The Camera with Flash
For a technology that’s becoming as niche as ham radio, it seems odd you’d need both a Camera emoji and a Camera with Flash emoji.
Worst of all, turn your stupid flash off. It’s not doing anyone any favors unless you like making food appear as though you just unthawed it in a microwave.
The Black Nib
Maybe there’s an occasion where you’ll need to send an emoji about how you’re signing a contract that’s a big deal. For that though, use the Fountain Pen. Black Nib is, to use an off-putting phrase, “just the tip,” and nobody wants that.
Locked with Pen
The Locked with Pen
It’s a lock with a fountain pen over it. Upon some research, it looks like it has something to do with digital security. You know, digital security, that thing you and your friends can’t stop talking about – and thankfully there’s an emoji for it! And it’s a lock with a fountain pen over it!
Assuming you’re not sending Emojis back and forth about chemistry equipment, making meth or how to transform lead into gold, the Alembic can probably get tossed into the collective Recycling Bin without anyone noticing.
Maybe bring it back if “Breaking Bad” gets another season or when people start caring about STEM.
Man in Business Suit Levitating
The Man in Business Suit Levitating
Perhaps the only Emoji with roots in ska music, the Man in Business Suit Levitating is based on a logo found on records from the band The Specials.
For that reason and that reason alone, we must eliminate this Emoji and move on just as we did with that music genre in general.
The Baby Angel
Creepy. Creepy creepy creepy. There’s no way around it. Just take a moment the next time you think, “I need to send this image of a baby head with wings growing out of it to my loved ones to let them know how much I care.”