The two biggest stories of the year — the ongoing turmoil of the presidency and the massive sexual misconduct allegations against the most powerful men in America begin and end with one man: Donald Trump.
The Donald promised to grab ’em by the p—y, and instead grabbed us all by the b—s, winning the 2016 election against impossible odds and an equally impossible candidate, Hillary Clinton.
She immediately took to her bed, had a breakdown and a stiff drink. Hillary was, in fact, the only presidential candidate in recent memory who didn’t even show up at her party to thank her supporters.
She sent flummoxed flunky John Podesta, who told everyone to go home. Way to go. Home.
Donald had bullied Hillary out of the presidency and Hillary had big-moneyed Bernie out of the candidacy. Donald? He was in favor of both.
Within seconds of winning the electoral vote and losing the popular vote by nearly 3 million, Trump began Making America Grate Again by trying to return America to the “good old days” — 1860 — when blacks knew their place, (“Look at my African-American over here!”), coal was king and women were chattel.
Proudly uninformed of the law, he fired the FBI director, lied that his dopey son-in-law Jared Kushner and even dopier son Donald Jr. hadn’t met with Russian operatives, kowtowed to election-interloper Vlad the Impaler Putin who allegedly has tape of Trump doing nasty things with Russian hookers, created a bigots’ travel ban, defended white supremacists, turned brother against sister, made fake Time magazine covers of himself, hired and fired half the unfit humans on Wall Street, engaged in petty Twitter wars worthy of movie mean girls, announced that what we need is some good old global warming, passed a tax bill that will, as promised, make his rich friends a lot richer, embarrassed himself with world leaders, twitter-threatened nuclear holocaust, declared the return of “Merry Christmas” and recognized Jerusalem as the capital of Israel which, in turn, caused Jesus’ home town of Nazareth to cancel all Christmas celebrations.
In short, the man makes George W. Bush look like Stephen Hawking.
On an equally absurdly disgusting and dangerous front, 2017 saw the fall of moguls for sexual harassment, assault, rape and exposing themselves.
Turns out the only difference between, say, Harvey Weinstein and the perv on the F train is that Weinstein doesn’t take the subway.
And it took women to become as powerful as these pervs to bring them down.
Over 100 of the most powerful men in media, business and politics, from Kevin Spacey to Matt Lauer, Charlie Rose, Mario Battali, James Levine, Al Franken, Gene Simmons and Roy Moore have been brought to their knees — right where they expected women to be. Or in Moore’s case, make that young girls.
Meantime, Bill O’Reilly must be kicking himself in the pants for paying out close to $ 50 million to shut up women who didn’t.
The only winner in all this is, again, improbably, Donald Trump. He’s got 19 sexual misconduct allegations against him. Those guys lost everything and he won the presidency.
Happy New Fear, er, Year!
WORDS WITH FRIENDS — AND ENEMIES
If you’ve just turned on CNN or Fox News after a year-long sleep, first off, lucky you. Second, calm down. You haven’t lost your mind. Here then, the meanings of 10 new phrases that either didn’t exist or hardly existed before one man tried to Make America Great Again.
1. Fake News: Disclaimers by the White House of the true facts as they exist before our very eyes
2. Alternative Facts: See above
3. Sexual Misconduct: Umbrella-like term for rape, assault, indecent exposure, sexual harassment, groping, touching and masturbating in front of horrified women by some of the richest and most powerful men on planet Earth (and possibly every other planet where males exist)
The outing of Hollywood creep Harvey Weinstein ushered in the #MeToo movement.
(John Phillips/John Phillips/Getty Images)
4. #MeToo: The rallying cry for women who have been victimized with all of the above, BY all of the above
5. Covfefe: The most famous mystery word tweeted in 2017 by the Preshadent of the Uniided Schstaesh
6. Little Rocket Man: The name given by the man with the worst combover in human history to the man with the worst haircut in inhumane history
7. Taking the Knee: Begun as a protest against police racial brutality, it was reignited by the man (see above) against the player with the biggest hair in NFL history
8. F*%#ing (as interpreted by the White House): Rex Tillerson on Trump: “F*%#ing moron.” Ivanka Trump on Steve Bannon: “F*%#ing liar.” Anthony Scaramucci on Reince Priebus: “F*%#ing paranoid schizophrenic.” Un-f*%#ing believable.
9. Some Very Fine People: Formerly known as the KKK and/or white supremacists.
10: Despacito: Song title that means “slowly,” which quickly became the most viewed YouTube video of all time and likely the most sung word of the year. However, it should have been called “Caseoso” because the translated lyrics are the cheesiest since Céline Dion punched her chest. “I want to breathe in your neck slowly?” Eeew, no.
Kellyanne Conway kneeling on a couch in a dress in the Oval Office, where leaders from historically black colleges and universities met with Trump in February.
(BRENDAN SMIALOWSKI/AFP/Getty Images)
KELLYANNE CONWAY — RAISED BY WOLVES?
Somewhere there was a cave with a bunch of wolves wondering why the human girl they raised from birth had abandoned them for D.C.
Kellyanne Conway, famous fact-contortionist, managed to contort herself into a crouch-on-the-couch-with-shoes pose on Feb. 28, snapping pix in the Oval Office as the President of the United States met with presidents of historically black universities and colleges who, in turn, stared in disbelief.
Hey, you can take the girl out of the cave, but you can’t take the cave out of the girl. Wonder if she’s learned to use the indoor plumbing since then.
WASPS IN YOUR HOO-HOO
In an ever-desperate attempt to make the lady bits more — what? — appealing, women devolved in 2017 from merely having boiling hot wax poured onto their hoo-hoos like something out of the Torquemada playbook, to putting wasp nests right in it.
Etsy.com started selling “oak galls,” made from wasp nest larvae, for vaginal tightening. Of course your vagina would tighten up. Poor thing’s trying to prevent wasps from getting in!
Etsy.com started selling “oak galls,” made from wasp nest larvae, for vaginal tightening.
The oak galls are blended with ground-up sandalwood, because who doesn’t want their vajayjays to smell like the 1970s?
The site even offers a French handmade speculum (for what, OB/GYN home exams by French people?) and reusable crocheted tampons that will, the site promises, “reduce the carbon footprint.”
Wouldn’t it have been a helluva lot easier to just stick with the Paris climate accord?
Kathy Griffin got in trouble for this photo.
(Courtesy of Tyler Shields)
Proving that dollars and cents don’t equal common sense:
Jan. 10: Meryl Streep at the Golden Globes — a fake awards show run by a handful of freeloading foreign freelancers without jobs — said pompously to the room of overpaid, coddled, rich and adored stars: We “belong to the most vilified segments in American society right now. Think about it: Hollywood, foreigners and the press.” Really? Think about this instead: Those freelancers aren’t press, the foreigners are worshiped, and Streep reportedly makes $ 5 million a movie …
June 3: After the Trump family complained that Kathy Griffin held up a red, dismembered head of the head of their family (who happens to be the President), the comic held a press conference to whine that they were bullying her, and that the Secret Service was, as a result, interested in her. Complain? She should have rejoiced. This was the first time anybody’d been interested in her in years …
Betsy DeVos couldn’t find the pencils on her first day as Secretary of Education.
(Ted S. Warren/AP)
Feb. 8: Tweet by Betsy DeVos, Secretary of Education who never taught or attended public school: “Day 1 on the job is done, but just getting started. Now where do I find the pencils? :)”