NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Saturday, October 31, 2015, 10:20 PM
Dear GOP Presidential Candidates:
Watching you perform, ah, sorry, present your platforms at the GOP debates Wednesday night made me proud to be an American.
And that’s due in no small part to Senators Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz and Dr. Ben Carson. After all, only in America can grown pols whine like middle schoolers because they think the teacher is being mean to them, while still being perceived as tough guys.
On Friday, the GOP backed you up and announced no more debates with NBC — without full cooperation from the campaigns. Great idea. From now on, reporters should submit questions in advance so your handlers can decide whether you like them. No sense being caught off-guard.
Perhaps for me the proudest moment of the night was when you, Sen. Rubio, deflected those mean questions about whether you — a 44-year-old junior senator — had the maturity and wisdom to handle a $ 17 trillion economy, or when jibed by Jeb for missing so many votes. Instead of answering, you rightly blamed mainstream media for having a double standard and for not taking Hillary Clinton down on Benghazi.
And to prove your disgust with the mainstream media, the very next day you went on mainstream media like “CBS This Morning” and Fox News.
Oh, wait, right, Fox isn’t mainstream media, even though it is the biggest cable news outlet with almost five times more viewers in prime time than the real mainstream media like CNBC and CNN.
And Sen. Cruz! Wow! When asked about the federal debt limit, you instead blasted the dopey moderators, saying, “the contrast with the Democratic debate, where every fawning question from the media was, ‘Which of you is more handsome and wise,’” was brilliant. We already know Bernie Sanders is the hunkiest, and you are the most wise.
Finally, Dr. Ben! How stupid was Carl Quintanilla for asking you if you’d had ties to the Mannatech medical supplements company, which claimed to have cures for cancer and autism (until it lost a suit for false advertising). You slammed back, saying that ties to Mannatech Inc. were “total propaganda.” Woohoo for you!
You are right that the mainstream media “manipulates reality” (like evolution, which you have pointed out is nothing but “incredible fairy tales”).
Unfortunately, your business manager, Armstrong Williams went on mainstream TV (CNN) the next day to tell Jake Tapper that well, you did have a contract with Mannatech for a speech. And you have said their supplements helped you overcome prostate cancer and you even considered not having surgery, and only going with their supplements. Was it the larch-tree bark or the ghatti gum-and-Arabubigalactan combo that saved you? Well, hey, you don’t have cancer or autism, so whatever it was must work.
So candidates, keep fighting the Dems, the media, each other! As Bertrand Russell said, “War does not determine who is right — only who is left.” But not like that kind of left.
SCRUB OFF THE PLASTIC
This week a hot topic at the board meeting of the Wildlife Conservation Society was Councilman Daniel Garodnick’s (D-Manhattan) proposal to ban the sale of beauty and health products that contain microbeads found in scrubs and toothpastes.
Why is the government getting involved in how we even scrub in the privacy of our own homes, I asked John Calvelli, Exec VP of the WCS.
“Eight trillion microbeads go into our water system each day. In New York, 90% of them aren’t captured by waste water management. That’s 19 tons a year — in our waters,” he said. Oh.
The fish eat them, those fish get eaten by bigger fish and we eat the fish.
“By the year 2050 every seabird in the world will have plastic in their bodies.” Oh and oh no.
Seriously, scratch the beads, buy a brush, or make your own scrub with sugar or salt. Plastic never biodegrades in water, sugar does.
EPISODE IS ‘DEAD’ WRONG
They ate Glenn! Or did they? On last week’s horrifying episode of the best show on TV, “The Walking Dead,” the walkers stopped walking long enough to make a meal of Glenn (Steven Yeun, above).
If you haven’t yet seen it, I’m about to bloody the joint with a lot of spoilers, so go away.
The walkers chewed Glenn’s guts like the pizzas he used to deliver. Maybe. The writers let Glenn undie after keeping him from undying about 6,500 times before. But hopefully the walkers were really eating cowardly lyin’ Nicholas’ kidneys. If it weren’t for him, Glenn’s head would never have even gotten stuck in that revolving door. Oh the humanity! Sort of!
Bereft, I emailed AMC president Charlie Collier to say that if walkers really ate Glenn — or, God forbid, he turns walker — than I have no reason to unlive. Fearing another undeath on his hands, Collier immediately emailed back: “Well, I know your husband and your life … and I think there’s still a ton to live for!”
Paris Hilton’s Viking costume is PC, but sister Nicky’s Native American garb isn’t.
Not if they eat Rick there isn’t.
PC RULES GET SCARY
Was that Halloween or Shalloween yesterday?
So many PC rules, so little time. No scary outfits in some schools, no plastic swords or alien ray guns. Meantime, kids walk into schools with real guns all the time — but a ray gun from space? Too upsetting. What?
No ethnic costumes if you weren’t of that ethnicity. Kardashians were OK but not Caitlyn. Famous people good, but not famous people of color — if you aren’t that color. Witches? Wiccans find the costumes offensive.
Traditional ethnic costumes such as the Mexican getup worn by the University of Kentucky president were definitely verboten, as were Hitler costumes.
At least Nixon never goes out of style.
THAT PUMPKIN WAS JACKED
Monster Bash is right. News 12 Arizona reported that a 25-foot-tall, 350-pound inflatable Jack O’ Lantern escaped from its tether, where it was supposed to be promoting the Peoria Sports Complex’s Monster Bash. Talk about being scared out of your gourd!
The giant fruit, propelled by big gusts of wind, sped across an intersection, terrifying drivers and making pedestrians run like, well, like they were being chased by a giant scary pumpkin.