NEW YORK DAILY NEWS
Monday, December 14, 2015, 2:58 PM
“Star Wars” nerds will flock to see the new installment of the sci-fi saga on Friday — but Daily News features reporter Jeanette Settembre would rather be sliced in half with a lightsaber.
Stop forcing your Force on me!
I know all you “Star Wars” nerds will flock to see the new installment of the sci-fi saga on Friday — but I’d rather be sliced in half with a lightsaber.
I couldn’t be less interested, even though I’m a Millennial – born right there in the sweet spot between the original “Star Wars” and the last prequel (which, I’m told, sucked worse than a Sarlacc).
Daily News features reporter Jeanette Settembre chronicles why she detests “Star Wars.”
Still, I haven’t seen a second of the six-movie snoozefest — and have no intention of starting now. So what if the Millennium Falcon can make the Kessel Run in less than 12 parsecs, I’d rather fly to Miami in three hours. And if I wanted to feel the true power of the Dark Side, I’d eat the chocolate part of a black and white cookie.
Then again, I’ve lost my appetite, thanks to my favorite restaurants and sweet shops betraying me like Count Dooku betrayed the Jedi Order.
Ample Hills Creamery in Brooklyn, for example, took two perfectly good custards and rebranded them “The Light Side” and “The Dark Side” in a tribute as slimy as Greedo. The last thing I want to think about when I’m indulging in chocolate espresso fudge brownie is that wheezing bad boy Darth Vader.
The “Star Wars” epidemic is plaguing our city streets — quit poking me with your plastic lightsabers on the subway and filling my ears with this mindless blather. These are NOT the droids I’m looking for.
It’s like a bad Jedi mind trick: On a recent trip to Barnes & Noble that monotonous theme song was trumpeting from the speakers. If I want to listen to a great John Williams score, I’ll see “Indiana Jones.”
I like a film with comedy, romance and a little eye candy. There’s nothing sexy about a bunch of sand people trying to sell me an R2 unit with a bad motivator or a Brit-accented protocol droid, even if he does speak Bocce like it’s practically a second language. Chewbacca needs a serious man bun, Princess Leia should fire her hairdresser, and pretty much everyone in the Mos Eisley cantina needs a carbonite bath.
The only star wars I’m interested in are the juicy ones like Donald Trump and Rosie O’Donnell or Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston fighting over Brad Pitt.
So even as this Force is re-awakening for most of you this Friday, I’ll use the time for a good nap.